Sometimes in parenthood, life gets so messy and hectic that all you can really do is laugh. This funny parenting advice reminds everyone that raising kids is hard, laughter truly is the best medicine, and seasoned parents really know what they are talking about.
Funny Advice for New Parents
Congrats! You're a new parent. The real fun begins now. There are some sleepless, poopy nights coming your way, so take every ounce of advice that you can get your hands on because you are going to need it.
Know When Your Baby Monitor Is off and On
Most new parents have a baby monitor in their room and the baby's room so that they can keep tabs on what Junior is up to. If you find yourself pouring out musings to your little lamb in the dead of night, or venting to your clueless tot over your mother-in-law's overbearing ways, make sure the monitor is off! Otherwise, you might find yourself too mortified to ever emerge from the nursery.
So Many Kinds of Sweats
New moms and dads live in sweats. Make sure you have sweats for all occasions. New parents have a pair of day sweats; these are often ratty and too gross to leave the house in. Then there are fancy sweats, reserved for grocery runs and trips to the pediatrician's office. Lastly, you will have "sleep sweats." These likely belonged to your husband pre-baby, and now they fit you and are worn enough to be comfy jammies. Sweats for life, people!
Give Yourself Extra Time to Learn About Car Seat Installation
New parents, PLEASE figure out how to install and uninstall a car seat long before you head to the hospital. Start working on this immediately after you pee on the pregnancy stick. It might take that much time!
Funny Parenting Advice for the Toddler Years
Toddlers are such joyful little monkeys. They are also the most trying creatures on the planet. You'll find yourself wanting to hug them and tear your hair out all within the same five-minute time span. Getting through the toddler years takes patience, determination, and a mass amount of advice from those who have come before you.
Invest in a Good Pair of Headphones
The toddler years are full of nursery rhymes and sing-song YouTube videos. These ditties on repeat will wear on your weary soul and eat through your brain matter. The thing is, you need them. They are sometimes the only thing that keeps your toddler quiet and occupied. You need these videos, and you need noise-canceling headphones to muffle the sounds of Baby Shark and Cocomelon.
Learn to "Lazy Play"
You will be your toddler's bestie for a while, and this means that they will want to play with you all the time. Choose games where you can be a lazy participant. If they want to play action figures, make sure your figure gets stuck in a hole or falls into a deep, deep sleep. If they want you to play pretend, be the "frozen princess" or the "puppy with the broken leg." See? You are playing without having to move off of the couch.
Learn to Skip Read
When your kid is small, you can read MOST of the pages in those long storybooks. Feel free to skip pages and paraphrase so that you can reach the promised land of Mommy Time faster.
Funny Parenting Advice From Parents of School-Aged Kids
Watching your baby grow into a child is an incredible thing. They are becoming little people right in front of your very eyes. All of this development of personality and independence is touching...and trying. This advice will guide you in the right direction so that this stage of parenting is more magical than miserable.
Keep Clocks out of Their Bedrooms
If your little ones know that they don't have to go to bed until the digital clock says 8 pm, do not put clocks upstairs. If there are no clocks up there, they can't prove that you are fibbing when you tell them it is 8 pm when it is really only 7!
Buy a Car You Love
Invest in a car or van that you love because you are basically going to be living in it for the next couple of years. Between the school and sports pickups, drop-offs, practices, and games, the countless playdates, doctor's appointments, and grocery runs, you will spend more time in your car than you spend in your home. Buy something functional and comfortable.
Beware! Maybe Means Yes
Kids will ask you on average 1,000 questions per day. Some of those questions will get a yes, some will get a no, and others will get a maybe. In your mind, a maybe could be a yes or no, depending on any given variety of factors. In your kid's mind, a maybe is always a yes. If your maybe is likely going to be a no, save yourself the trouble and say no off the bat.
Pass the Buck to Their Teachers
Sometimes you simply have to pass the buck to survive these years. Kids don't mind their parents, but they definitely mind their teachers. If you can't get your child to do something, tell him/her that their teacher emailed you and wants them to do it.
Don't Buy Your Kids Things That Will Give You a Stroke
If your kids want toys that you know will put you in an early grave with their visual effects or annoying sounds, refuse to buy them. If you give in and bring them into your home and then have to listen to them all day long, or worse, play with them, then you have no one to blame but yourself.
You Can Never Have a Big Enough Purse
It's true. You really can never have a large enough purse or bag as a parent. Not only do these accessories need to hold every possible personal item under the sun (along with about 500 old receipts from Target and enough goldfish crumbs to feed a small country,) but they have to make space for every rock, shell, feather, and other random items your kids comes across and declares the most important thing ever!
Funny Parenting Advice for the Trying Teen Years
Meh. The teen years. Remember when you were mesmerized at watching your baby develop into a child. Now that child has morphed into a basement-dwelling swamp monster, and you need all the parenting advice you can get to muscle through this next stage of life. Best of luck and may the odds be ever in your favor.
Know How to Get Your Teen out of Their Room
Teens rarely come out of their rooms during daylight hours, so if you need them STAT, you have to know how to flush them out. Disconnect your WiFi and watch your teens rush to your side within 30 seconds flat.
Watch What Clothes They Borrow
Teens like to borrow your clothes, and they rarely ask before taking what they want. Check the writing on any shirts that they steal to make sure it isn't the one from your college bar crawl days or your senior spring break trip.
Buy Them Cups for Their Birthday
When your kid turns 13, buy them hundreds of cups. They are about to spend the next half-decade stealing all the glassware from the house and leaving them strewn about in odd places. Get ahead of this common teen trait and stock up on cups as soon as the teenage years strike.
Ask Them More Than Once, 300th Time Is a Charm
Teenagers go through big changes. They develop body hair, go through voice changes and often develop selective hearing (this might be a trait inherited from your partner's genetics.) Know that you have to ask your teen to do something about 300 times before they will acknowledge you and do what you ask. Expecting something done in the first ask is a waste of your precious energy resources.
Funny Parenting Advice for Parents of Adult Children
Ta-Da! Your human is all grown up and ready to take on the world...kind of. Parents of adult children find themselves in a bit of a purgatory as their kids are now on their own but still need them at the drop of a hat. These bits of parenting advice for parents of grown kiddos feel like word therapy.
If They Drop by to Tell You They Love You, They're Lying
If your grown child comes by to tell you they love you, sniff the lie out. They want something. Shut the door, run, and hide!
The Term "I'd Do Anything For You" Has Limits
For your kid's entire life, you told them that you would do anything for them. Adult children come ready to cash that promise in. "Anything" has limits. No, you will not fund their insane business venture, and no, they can't move into your basement with their new love interest. No. No. No.
When They Invite You for Dinner, Eat Before
Your kid just went vegan and wants to try a new veggie loaf recipe out on you for Sunday dinner. Make sure you eat a meal before you head to their house. You know they haven't mastered common recipes, let alone new and inventive ones.
General Words of Parenting Wisdom
These words of wisdom apply to all parents, no matter the age of their children. Everyone who has raised kids can relate to these sentiments.
Wash Socks in a Sack
The washer and dryer are where all socks go to die. If you throw them in loose, they are as good as gone. Put them all in a special washing sack or a pillowcase. You can also just ignore this advice and order new socks on Amazon every few weeks, but you'll have to pick up a second job to keep socks on your family's feet.
Only Order Spicy Food
If you have a plate of food in front of you, then your kids will be on you like flies on honey. It doesn't matter what you have; they will want it...unless it is too spicy. Order super spicy food and never have your kids picking off of your plate again.
Learn to Choose Your Battles
You are a parent, not a wizard. Pick your battles wisely. No one can fight the kids on every little thing. Decide what is really worth fighting for and learn to let the little things go.
Stock up on Toilet Paper
Forget a diaper party; diapers only last for a few years. You need to have a toilet paper party. Stockpile the Charmin early on. Build a toilet paper bunker to house it all if you must. Even though kid bums are tiny, they still use up an unbelievable amount of toilet paper.
Cherish Golden Nuggets of Wisdom
The great thing about becoming a parent is that you are never alone. Think of all the parents who have come before you, laid the groundwork, and are willing at the drop of a hat to share and spread their truths to you. Take every single nugget of wisdom that you can get your hands on and tuck them all in your back pocket.