If you've ever asked your kids what they did at school and been met with a blank stare and a monotone "nothing," you know the pain of trying to get a little insight into their lives away from home. There are a lot of things I'm kind of lame at as a parent (like Pop Tart breakfasts before school and unlimited iPad on road trips), but there's one thing I actually feel I do well: my kids really talk to me about their days and how they're feeling. These are the things I do to make that happen.
Leave Space for Them to Talk
This may sound obvious, but kids need a break in the conversation to add their thoughts. I learned this because my eldest kid had a language delay. We did a ton of therapy to get him back on track, and one of the things we tried was leaving space. I had to get really comfortable with awkward silences. Eventually, they stopped being awkward and just became normal and comfortable.
Even now, when I'm asking my kids things, I wait. They don't always answer right away. Sometimes, they need some time to think about their day or what they want to say. But they always come out with something after a while.
Ask What Happened Today That Was Weird
In journalism classes, they teach you to interview people by asking questions that require more than one word to answer. "Did you have a good day?" is easy to answer with a simple "yes" or "no." That doesn't give you much information about how their day really went. Instead, I ask my kids, "What happened today that was weird?"
Some days are weirder than others, but the kids usually have an answer that gives some info about their day. My tween has started noting weird things so he can tell me later, and often, I don't even need to ask.
Related: 75+ Questions to Ask Kids to Bring Out Their Conversational Side
Embrace a Long Commute
If you drive your kids to school, it's tempting to try to get there quickly. After all, we're busy, and there's a lot to fit in the day. But the longer you're in the car together, the more chance you have of them opening up about things.
I love taking the long way when there's time. Kids open up about what's happening in their lives — from the people who have a crush on them to their worries about mortality. There's something about riding in the car that really encourages deep conversations.
For those under-12s who can't ride in the front seat yet, the car is even better for conversation. There's something about the space between the front seat and the back seat that really lets them open up.
Really Listen
Just like adults, kids share more when they think the person they're talking to really wants to listen. Follow-up questions are such a good way to show you're listening, so I try to do this with my kids. I'm not talking about the third degree or anything — just a few simple questions to clarify details or add to what they've already said.
If they're talking about something really emotional, like a conflict with a peer or a teacher they aren't sure likes them, active listening helps, too. I try to reflect how they seem to be feeling or say things like, "That must be scary." I think this helps them put their feelings into words in the future, too.
Open Up, Too
You know how it deepens your relationship with a friend when you both share something a little vulnerable? You can do the same thing with kids by telling them how you're really feeling, too. I'm not saying it's a good plan to tell them everything that keeps you up at night, but sharing a little of what worries you or what you're sad about can help them feel they know you. It teaches them that conversation is about sharing feelings.
I tend to tell my kids a lot. They know when I'm worried about the political situation or someone's health. I share when I'm disappointed about something. And I also tell them when I'm excited, happy, or proud.
Space, Time, and Showing You Want to Know
Getting kids to talk about their day (or their feelings) is really about giving them the space and time and showing that you want to know. Like everyone, they have days when they might feel more chatty and days when they're quiet, but overall, you'll find they want to communicate with you.
