Marriage is a big step in pretty much any relationship, and it's important to be ready. Having the right conversations can help ensure that you are, so start with these 100 questions to ask before marriage.
Getting married is the ultimate statement about the commitment and love you have for someone you want to spend the rest of your life with, but love isn't always enough. There are questions to ask before marriage that go beyond love - stuff like whether you want kids, how you deal with conflicts, your deepest beliefs, the way you handle finances, and what you expect from your extended family. So set aside some time to get comfy with your partner and explore these 100+ questions to ask before marriage.
Top Questions to Ask Your Partner Before You Commit
We're talking about a major decision here, but that doesn't mean you need to stress. Every question matters, but there are a few things that matter most. Focus on these, and you'll be off to a great start:
- How are we already great at communication? How can we improve?
- If we were to come up with a mission statement about our relationship, what would you want it to say?
- When we feel like we're changing in different directions or drifting apart, what are some things you think we could do to get closer?
- How can I help you relax or support you when you're feeling super stressed?
- Are you willing to work on our marriage as life throws challenges at us? What does that kind of work look like to you?
Questions About Marriage and Children
Do you know whether you partner wants kids? What about how they'll handle tough stuff like discipline? These are a few questions to ask your partner about children before marriage:
- Do you want kids, and how many kids do you want?
- What values do you want to install in your children?
- How do you want to discipline your kids?
- What would you do if one of your kids said they were questioning their gender or sexuality?
- What if our children didn't want to go to college?
- How much say do children have in a family?
- How comfortable are you around children?
- Would you be opposed to having our parents watch the children so we can spend time alone together?
- Would you put your children in private or public school?
- What are your thoughts on home schooling?
- Would you be willing to adopt if we couldn't have kids?
- Would you be willing to seek medical treatment if we couldn't have kids naturally?
- Do you believe it's OK to discipline your child in public?
- How do you feel about paying for your kid's college education?
- How far apart do you want kids?
- Would you want someone to stay home with the kids or use day care?
- How would you feel if our kids wanted to join the military rather than go to college?
- How involved do you want grandparents to be in our parenting?
- How will we handle parental decision-making?
It's okay if you or your partner doesn't know the answer to these questions. You might not even be sure you want kids. The point is having the conversation before marriage and getting to know how each of you think about important parenting-related stuff.
Pre-Marriage Questions About Dealing With Conflict
Anyone who has been a relationship for a while knows that conflict is a normal part of it. It's how you deal with the conflict that matters. Make sure you're going to have a healthy relationship by dealing with these pre-marriage questions about conflict.
- Would you be willing to go to marriage counseling if we were having marital problems or even if we just wanted to build our marriage?
- If there is a disagreement between your family and me, how would you decide whose side you would choose?
- How do you handle disagreements in general?
- Would you ever consider divorce?
- Would you rather discuss issues as they arise or wait until you have a few problems?
- How would you communicate you aren't satisfied sexually?
- What is the best way to handle disagreements in a marriage if we're both feeling angry?
- How can I be better at communicating with you?
Questions About Morals, Politics, Religion, Family Values, and Beliefs
Your values can matter a lot in a marriage. They don't necessarily need to be the same, but they do need to line up. Value-related topics to discuss before marriage include religion, politics, social issues, and more. Basically, you need to jump right into all those topics that are off-limits when you first meet someone. These are just a few questions to ask a fiancé before you get serious about marriage:
- What are your views on infidelity?
- What are your religious views on marriage?
- What's more important: work or family?
- What are your political views?
- What are your views on birth control?
- Would you rather be rich and miserable or poor and happy?
- Who will make the biggest decisions of the household?
- What would you do if someone said something bad about me?
- Are there situations where you would you follow the advice of your family before your spouse?
- What do you believe the role of a spouse is?
- Who should do household chores?
- Do you believe people can make poor decisions and still be good people? Why or why not?
Even if you think you and your partner share the same cultural or religious background, you might be surprised at some of their answers to these questions. That's okay. A lot of the time, you can use your communication skills to find a middle ground.
Questions to Ask Your Partner About Handling Finances
Money, debt, and finances are important things to talk about before marriage too. If you're already living together, you might have had some of these conversations as part of that. Still, it's good to ask anyway and make sure you're both clear on where you stand when it comes to money. Start with these questions:
- How do you feel about debt?
- Would you share all money with your spouse or split the money into different accounts?
- What are your views on saving money?
- What are your views on spending money?
- What if we both want something but can't afford both?
- How well do you budget?
- Do you feel it is important to save for retirement?
- Would you be willing to get a second job if we had financial problems?
- Do you have any debt?
- What if a family member wants to borrow a large sum of money?
- Who will take care of the financial matters of the household?
Entertainment Questions to Ask Before Marriage
Don't forget to have fun too; get to know your partner even better through lighter questions. Find out what your future spouse thinks by including some entertainment and lifestyle points in your list of questions for couples:
- Do you enjoy traveling?
- How often would you like to travel?
- Where would you like to travel?
- How important is spending time alone to you?
- How would you feel about me going on a trip with my friends for a couple of weeks?
- How important is spending time with friends to you?
- What would be the perfect weekday evening to you?
- What would we do if we both had a break from work but each of us had different ideas on how to spend it?
Topics to Discuss Related to Extended Family
In-laws can be a source of conflict in marriage, especially if you haven't talked about things ahead of time. There's no way to anticipate every challenge you might face related to extended family, but you can include some family and relation topics among the 100 questions to ask your partner.
- How often would you want to visit your family?
- How often will your family visit us? How long would they stay?
- How often would you want my family to visit?
- How often would you want to visit my family?
- Do you have a family history of diseases or genetic abnormalities?
- What if one of your family members said he disliked me?
- How would we handle holiday family visits?
- If your parents became ill, would you take them in?
- If my parents became ill, would you mind taking them in?
Important Pre-Marriage Questions About Medical Information
Family health and personal medical information might not be the first thing you think to ask your partner, but these are some important topics to discuss before marriage. Start with these questions you should ask your future spouse.
- Does anyone in your family struggle with alcoholism or substance abuse?
- What is your medical family history?
- If you are struggling with an emotional challenge or depression, would you be opposed to mental health treatment?
- If I had to change my diet because of medical concerns, would you be willing to change yours?
- Are you willing to workout together to improve our health?
Questions About the Relationship and Marriage
Over 100 topics to talk about might be a lot, but you can learn a lot from these questions - including what your future partner thinks about marriage and relationships. This is important stuff, so don't leave it out.
- What would you do if we fell out of love?
- What are your career aspirations?
- What would you like to be doing five or ten years from now?
- What do you think is the best way to keep the love alive in a marriage?
- How do you think life will change if we got married?
- What is the best thing about marriage?
- What is the worst thing about marriage?
- What is your idea of the best weekend?
- How important are wedding anniversaries to you?
- How would you like to spend special days?
- What kind of grandparent do you want to be someday?
- What type of house do you want to live in?
- What is your biggest fear about marriage?
- What excites you about getting married?
- What do wedding rings mean to you?
- Are you afraid to talk to me about anything?
- What do you think would improve our relationship?
- What would be one thing you would change about our relationship?
- Do you have any doubts about the future of our relationship?
- Do you believe love can pull you through anything?
- Is there anything you don't trust about me?
Feeling overwhelmed? Don't plan to talk about all these things at once. Take your time and tackle one or two questions each evening.
Miscellaneous Things to Discuss Before Marriage
While you might have 1,001 questions to ask before you get married, consider throwing in some random questions like these:
- Where do you want to live?
- Would you mind moving if I had to relocate for my job?
- Which would you choose - dishes or laundry?
- Do you like pets? What kind?
- How many pets do you want?
- What to do you want to do during retirement?
- At what age would you like to retire?
Getting to Know Your Partner
Before getting married, be sure that you and your partner are comfortable with your individual and shared goals. Get to know what your partner thinks by checking out even more fun questions and conversation starters:
- 70+ Intimate Questions to Ask Your Partner about topics, such as the past, the future, intimacy, and attraction
- 25 Stimulating Deep Relationship Questions about things like hopes, dreams, fears, successes, and personal growth
- 100+ Fun Questions for Couples about topics like silly quirks and personal preferences in terms of food, drinks, and general favorites
- Road Trip Questions for Couples related to favorite vacations, dream trips, and your favorite ways to relax
- 18 Printable Relationship Compatibility Questions for some great discussions prior to marriage to solidify your thoughts on how well you two mesh together
- 21 Revealing Questions to Ask a Guy about childhood memories, worldviews, and romantic preferences
- 100+ Yes or No Questions that are completely random and lots of fun (You'll still learn things about each other, but have some laughs in the meantime.)
Don't Ask Your Questions All at Once
Thoughtful questions deserve thoughtful replies, which aren't necessarily going to come instantly. If you and your partner are seriously considering a commitment, set aside some time to have these conversations before marriage so you can be sure of what you both think and feel. Even if you have a long list of deep questions to ask your girlfriend, boyfriend, or partner before you get engaged, this will give you plenty of opportunities to gauge whether marriage should be the next step in your relationship.