67 Funny Things to Say Instead of Swearing That'll Have You Cryin' Out Loud

Alternative cuss words are a great way to get your point across without offending others! Plus, they can be gosh darn hilarious.

Published August 23, 2023

Are you looking for some funny things to say instead of swearing? As the parent of a newly speaking toddler, I have quickly learned how fast kids pick things up. The last thing you need is them repeating these taboo terms, but let's face it, in our moments of frustration, something needs to come out.

Thankfully, there are a surprising number of alternate swear words that you can use that won't get you or your kids sent to the principal's office!

SpongeBob-Inspired Swear Words


If you were a 90s kid, the word "barnacles" became a great alternative cuss word. This phrase become popular thanks to Mr. SpongeBob SquarePants. In fact, there is a whole song about this word.

Now I say, "Barnacles!", it's a word that I heard down here. It's easier on the ear, makes your troubles disappear. When you say, "Barnacles!". All the livelong day, "Barnacles" is the way we say, what they say we can't say.

Other SpongeBob swear words include:

  • Tarter Sauce
  • Tex-aaaaassss!
  • Oh for Cod's Sake
  • What the Halibut
  • Holy Shrimp
  • Who Gives a Flying Fish
  • Get Bent

Harry Potter Swear Words


Okay, okay, "bloody hell" may still not be the greatest alternative swear word (really phrase), but it's better than many of the American alternatives. This magical expression became popular thanks to the Harry Potter film franchise. Ron Weasley is famous for saying it throughout the films.

Other common swear words heard within the walls of Hogwarts include:

  • Cockroach
  • Merlin's Beard
  • Git
  • Mudblood

The Good Place's Version of Alternative Swear Words


If you haven't seen sitcom The Good Place, let's just say it's a good place to find alternative cuss words. Why? Because no one is allowed to say these obscenities in heaven, which the characters are located. Some of the top replacements are:

  • What the Fork
  • Bullshirt
  • Fudge
  • Bench
  • Butthead
  • Shirt for Brains

Son of a.....


We all know what the next word is...or do we? People have become quite clever over the years when it comes to alterative swear words to put at the end of this phrase. Some of our favorites include:

  • Son of a Biscuit
  • Son of a Bee Sting
  • Son of a Gun
  • Son of a Motherless Goat
  • Son of a Mother Trucker

Dadgummit & Other Alternative Swear Words a Beaver Would Never Say


If a beaver said "Dam It!," no one would bat an eye, but when you add an 'n' to the first word, it can be seen as offensive. Thankfully, generations of people have come up with alternatives for this common obscenity. Some of these include:

  • Dadgummit
  • Dagnabbit
  • Doggone It!
  • Drat
  • Darn It

Food-Related Curse Word Replacements


Sometimes the best way to avoid a grounding is to just proclaim what you want for dinner tomorrow night! These alternative swear words are great examples of how to express your emotions in the most innocent way.

  • Cheese and Rice
  • Fudgescicles
  • Shish Kabobs
  • Shiitake Mushrooms
  • Dillweed
  • Fish Sticks
  • Cheese on a Cracker

  • Peas and Rice

Southern Swear Words


When you come from the South, you learn to mind your manners. One way you do that is by selecting sweet sayings to express your salty sentiments. Some of the top terms and phrases we like to use include:

  • Bless Your Heart
  • Thank You for Sharing (Shut Up)
  • Oh My Stars
  • Crud
  • Mother of Pearl
  • What the Sam Hill?
  • I'll Pray for You (You're Hopeless)
  • Good Gravy
  • Heaven's to Betsy

Old School Alternative Curse Words


While these terms may sound ridiculous to Gen Zs and Gen Alphas, folks of a more mature generation know exactly what these phrases mean.

  • Jiminy Crickets
  • Horse Feathers
  • Geez Louise
  • Oh for Pete's Sake!
  • For Cryin' Out Loud
  • Golly Gee Willikers
  • Fiddlesticks
  • For Heaven's Sake

More Funny Things to Say Instead of Cursing


Of course, creativity has no bounds, which means that there is a treasure trove of other terms to replace those taboo phrases that always seem to slip out. Here are a few more for those fellow foul mouths!

  • Shut the Front Door!
  • H-E-Double Hockey Sticks
  • Great Scott!
  • What the Hey
  • Malarkey

Funny Staff Picks for Swear Word Alternatives


Of course, we all know it's not appropriate to swear at work. So we turned to some of our staff members to get some of their memorable alternatives for choice words.

  • Criminently
  • Sugar (instead of another choice 's' word)
  • Son of a Nutcracker (from Christmas movie Elf )
  • Fudge Nuggets
  • Aw, Schnecken (German biscuits) 
  • Ah, Biscuits! (a fave taken from the Dad character on toddler show Bluey)
  • Son of a Dad
  • Mother Father 
  • What the Heckity Heck 

Cursing Is Actually a Sign of Intelligence


Yes, you read that right! A 2015 study found that people who can come up with an array of colorful language can also generate a myriad of mundane expressions. In other words, if you curse a lot, you likely have a large vocabulary.

However, just because you can, doesn't mean you should. The most brilliant of wordsmiths are the ones who can weave their words in a witty way to get the sentiment across without offending others. These alternative curse words are a terrific tool for doing this! Plus, why not leave them guessing?

67 Funny Things to Say Instead of Swearing That'll Have You Cryin' Out Loud